Changes

I don't think I ever properly shared the story of how my middle school experience and if I did, I probably did it very poorly.  I've changed a lot since I first started this blog in 6th grade and I know I will definitely change a lot more.  Let's look back about two years.  I was in 6th grade and I was scared as hell.  My elementary school was a K-6 school and I had been at that school ever since kindergarten.  Which meant that this would be my last year at that school.  Now, I was scared of many things.  I was never good at accepting change.  I absolutely loathed the thought of anything in my life ever changing and wanted everything to remain the same.  Back then I wanted the same friends all my life, I wanted to live in the same city forever, I wanted to freeze time and live in those moments forever.  So when 6th grade came around and everyone was all excited to graduate, I was internally dying of pain.  I didn't want to change schools because I knew my best friends of the time wouldn't all be at the same school together and I absolutely loved my best friends back then.  But I held it in and I got through graduation and the last day of school without crying and being all melancholy.  I knew that if I tried hard enough, I would be able to keep in contact with all my best friends and we would hang out every weekend and now that we where older we could probably go to the mall and places by ourselves.  I was excited and I was determined to not let anything change.  But life had other plans for me.  Over the summer after I graduated 6th grade, my parents started looking into buying a house.  We lived in an apartment at the time and although at many times I abhorred that shabby old place, it was my childhood and like everything else in my childhood, I wasn't ready to let it go so easily.  I promised myself that if I were to move away, I'd always visit this place and this would still be my home.  I would never let it go.  But again....life had other plans.  So lets fast forward to the end of summer and the first day of Middle School.  I remember how nervous I was and how many kids there were.  On the first day, my locker got jammed and I was late to my first class.  The next few days went by in a daze.  I don't really remember anything except for the 5th day.  The middle school was about 20 minutes away from where I lived and there was also traffic so my mother would always be late to pick me up from school.  So on the 5th day when I had to wait like 30 minutes, I didn't think much of it.  Except that day turned out to be my last day of school.  My mother picked me up telling me that we where moving and she had come to uninroll me from school.  I had known that we where going to move soon and that I should have mentally prepared for this moment, but I didn't think it would happen this fast.  I also thought I'd at least get the chance to say goodbye to all the new friends I had made.  But I didn't get to.  That was the last day I saw or talked to my friends.  After I moved it took me a while to finally settle down and accept the fact that my circumstances had changed.  And when I mean a while, I mean about a whole year.  I went from having mental breakdowns and crying daily to shutting off my emotions completley, to back to breakdowns to empitness.  To summarize, it felt like hell.  And if I'm going to be quite honest, even though I've moved on and accepted everything that has happened, I still have a lot more issues that came to light during this time that I need to sort through.  Besides that though, I'm doing much better now.  And I think this whole quarintine thing has proved that, in a way.  I honestly found it really funny that I left that middle school without the chance of saying goodbye to anyone and now because of quarintine, I left middle school without the chance of saying goodbye again.  I had just enterd 6th period drama class and taken a seat when a few girls came in saying that we didn't have school for about 3 weeks because of quarintine.  It was strange and didn't feel real.  It was also my birthday and if you know me well enough you know I absolutley dispise my birthday so with all this news, it felt like a fever dream.  I remember after school I went to pick up my brother and we went to Baskin Robins to eat some ice scream because why not.  Yes it was raining and absolutley freezing that day, but I'm glad we went.  I don't know how to describe the feeling, but I knew there was change coming, and unlike last time, I was prepared to face it this time.  I used to promise myself that I would talk to my old best friends everyday and catch up with them.  Well, I've blocked one of them, barely talk to the others, and deleted most of their contact information from my phone.  I said I'd go back to my childhood home often and visit the city like at least once a month.  As of now, the last time I went back to my childhood home was last July I think.  So yeah, things changed and even though it took me so long to finally accept it, I have.  I never got to say goodbye to all those people who I didn't have contact with through social media or phone and I don't think I ever will; but I have gotten passed that and accepted it now.  The biggest difference between 6th grade and and now 8th grade, soon to be 9th grade me is that I'm okay with change now.  I've accepted it and I'm prepared for it.  I don't know how 6th grade me would cope with all this quarantine shit but I do know it wouldn't be good or healthy.  And if there was a lesson I learned from everything, it was to be prepared and know that things can change any moment and to make the best out of changes.  In a way, I am greatful for quarintine because it gave me a way of showing how much I've changed and grown up from my past self.  And I think it is very important to notice and realize that change.